This is an open letter to a particular slice of male society who are shooting themselves in the foot. Not literally plugging one in their big toe, just metaphorically, however still has the the same effect on their desirability as a festering foot would. They are walking fashion train wrecks, and these men need an intervention.
What twigged me to this pressing issue was an event I attended the other day at one of my kids’ schools. What I saw that night inspired me to write you menfolk this letter. Picture the scene: youngsters so excited, wearing dresses, their first pair of high heels, boys in suits, all with precision hair styles and shiny smiles. Their parents are coming to watch them graduate from middle school, excitement is in the air and the kids are feeling pretty darned fancy.
As the parade of parents stroll in, I am struck by some of their interpretations of the words “formal dress event”. The ladies had generally made an effort, and wore outfits befitting the occasion. Some of the guys however, holy shit. I can’t make this stuff up. One Dad donned a pair of sloppy shorts ripped in dubious locations, and a cut-off sweatshirt thus putting his armpit squirrel on prominent display. Seriously, he looked like he just rolled out from under his car, stuffed his dirty white-socked feet into a pair of pre-Cambrian sandals and sauntered into his child’s grad. To complete his outfit, he tipped a big can of Monster energy drink up to his unshaven greasy face and dribbled it into his scruff. His daughter must have been so proud.
Then there was the one with the black jeans, a chained up wallet and a t-shirt espousing his rank in a white supremacist group. I will just let that sink in for a minute.
Another Dad was at least in clean clothes, but I think they might have been pajamas. Not the sexy kind either.
Before you decide I am the most heinous judgy bag in the world, I do admire somebody in their work gear showing up because that is as quick as they could get there. A mechanic or construction worker isn’t going to be neat and tidy on their way home from work, not if they are working hard anyway. (For the record, a sweaty guy wearing a pair of Carhartt overalls is mangerie – straight up sexy.) These working guys are not the people I am talking about. It is the ones who make the choice to look like they just crawled out of a dumpster that make me cringe and want to save them.
A few wise words for you my fine and hairy friends:
- Dudes, buy a mirror. A full length mirror. Hang it up and step back for a good look. Do it. Repeat daily.
- Backwards hats (if you aren’t a baseball player) look dopey on anybody over the age of ten. And while we are on the topic of hats, wearing them in restaurants and at grad celebrations says something about you. You are an adult, you should know better.
- When I google searched “Shirts for Douchebags” a seven page gallery full of grown ass men wearing Ed Hardy shirts came up. If you are a middle aged suburban white guy and you buy your clothes from www.coolteenrapperduds.com you need to give your head a shake man. And pull your damned pants up.
- Socks should never even be in the presence of sandals, never mind on your feet. Remind yourself of this hazard by keeping them in separate rooms if you have to.
- Whatever wardrobe item your female (or male) partner has suggested you throw out, do so post haste. They are too kind to say it to your face so I will: “That looks like it was run through a shit filled wood chipper“, yet you still insist on wearing it… stop it… stop it now.
- If one of the other moms at a grad event gives you the up and down and makes a face like you just farted, you probably should have leveled up your outfit and grooming. And no, she isn’t flirting with you.
- Camouflage is not a colour.
- You should not wear old t-shirts just because they still fit over your belly. Also nobody cares that you saw Iron Maiden in 1982, the jersey lasted but your hair didn’t fair so well so maybe you should cut it. In addition, take note, if your t-shirt says anything like “Hot dog eating contest finalist 1997” on it, take it out in the driveway and burn it immediately… go ahead… I can wait.
Now listen closely, this is important. If you are following the fashion trend I am going to call “Deliverance Chic”, you might want to consider another tact. What do you think the difference is between you and a guy like George Clooney, or Sam Elliot? They too are middle aged and greying. They are subject to the same forces of gravity that you are. They sag in the same places you do (you know where I mean don’t you?) #oldplumsinabag.
So why is it that women around the world have those silver foxes on their “freebie” list?
Here is your thunderbolt: they are groomed so they get laid more than armpit hair guy. Simple huh? They shave or trim. They wear clothes that are probably insanely expensive, but that isn’t the deciding factor, they wear stuff that looks good on them, and wasn’t knitted by their Moms in the 70’s.
Look, there are times when you can just wear a crappy old rag and ill fitting sweatpants, but nobody in public needs to see that shit. Want to walk a little taller? Get a haircut, shave, and dress like you mean it big boy. You are a man, not a sad wet burlap bag schlepping around wondering why nobody wants to see you naked.