Food is Evil

Food is Evil

I am so bloody sick of talking, thinking, learning, researching, fussing and worrying about food. It wasn’t always like this for me, but then suddenly it was. When I was young, my mother’s friends who were of an age (well into their 40’s apparently) couldn’t wait to share endless tales of eating misery. They sat there in velvet pant-suits, smoking, clutching lime green Martinis, and dispensed their wisdom. They felt the need to tell me how shit my life would become by the time I found myself careening toward menopause. They couldn’t wait to describe in precise detail how my decrepitude would advance. It was even worse than that tough, they couldn’t have know that I would have my last baby at age 37… and then have all of 4 years between his potty training and my own incontinence. The main message I got was about this thing called  “metabolism.” Apparently, it was going to drop at terminal velocity like a giant brick into a bottomless body of water, or in my case… a very large bottomed body. I didn’t entirely understand what it meant until many years later my thyroid ground to halt and it took me ages to figure it out. I spent MONTHS eating so little, and so healthfully. I didn’t exercise much because it sucks and I have better things to do. Good fricken’ thing I didn’t cram my ass into yoga pants, or go to those insipid Zumba classes, because it would have made NO difference. When my thyroid failed like a cheap suit at a bankers’ luncheon it was drastic. I would eat a small ice cream and through the miracle of metabolic disaster my pants wouldn’t fit the next day. Shock and awe of body fat. As a lifelong ambitious achiever pretty much whatever I put my mind to. I can’t begin to tell you how stressful it was to eat PERFECTLY and get no results. It got so shocking that despite my best efforts, I lost only 5 pounds in 9 months, and in one weekend I would put 4 of them back on. I did not genuinely enjoy a single bite of food for weeks at a time, and it wasn’t fair. I wanted to take the scale and shove it out the window, hard. Or drag it to a Lulu Lemon store and Frisbee it into the nearest display case. Medication will help with all this, and whatever else I need to do. Thyroid is what it is, and it will regulate or it will not. But here is the thing, thyroid or not, the deterioration of our metabolisms is a lugubrious march as the years go by.  Of...
Your Communication Style – A Guide for the Challenged

Your Communication Style – A Guide for the Challenged

Modern communications are fraught with unwritten rules. For many of us, it is a minefield to figure our way through the simplest of human interactions – when using a device or social media that is. Back in the olden days it was all so much simpler. For instance, I have to hand it to the Victorian era Brits, they had established and well understood social rules. Everybody knew what they were, and although the populace was busy breaking them in the bedroom, they held up the “what what old chappie” in public. Nowadays it is all so very complex and the rules are unclear. Many people make communication missteps and yet there is no social manual to check. This quick and easy guide will help you figure out some of the ways you may be annoying your friends, and help you not to be “that guy” at work.  Are you making a caricature of yourself?  The Mad Hatter – you send somebody multiple messages and clever Tweets. They ignore you so you tweet harder and louder at them. Maybe your hat band is too tight, but if you want to have actual interaction with another human, stay the hell off Twitter Eyore – you get a text from a friend or colleague, or an email with questions or even work related stuff and you just can’t get to it Pooh. You drag your sad ears across the keyboard and then give up and have a nap. Nobody likes a stoned donkey. Norman Bates – can’t wait until your target is out of the shower? They didn’t answer the phone so you do the unthinkable and leave a voicemail. Who does that anymore? Or worse, you ring back ten minutes later. Don’t be Norman.. just be cool, she has call display – back the bad sweater off big boy. Tinkerbell – you send little short messages with winky faces and sparkles but say nothing. Some people are busy and when the phone indicates there is a text, especially during work hours, you had better have more to say than “can you guess who I saw at the mall?”.  And then, when you get a text back taking the bait, you don’t respond for three hours. I will go all Norman Bates on your ass. Jack Nicholson in The Shining – You want IN THAT ROOM – which in modern human interaction actually means facetime or Skype or whatever. You need to understand these are now considered meetings Jack. You can’t just take your ax to the door and call somebody and expect them to speak with you, or assume their hair is done and want to videochat . Nowadays, you text...
Insecurity – you can’t run,  you can’t hide

Insecurity – you can’t run, you can’t hide

Are you insecure? I have some good and bad news for you. The good news is that you are not alone and most people are insecure about stuff. The bad news is everybody can see your insecurities, even when you think you are pretty skilled hiding them. There are literally thousands of manifestations of insecurity. It is so heavily demonstrated by the average human I am surprised there isn’t some giant list of things humans are insecure about… Oh wait… Facebook. Never mind. We show our insecurities in our body language, in what we choose to say, who we pick as a partner, what we drive… all of it. You might as well be carrying a great big sign that says “I worry I am not good enough, please reassure me”.  Not everybody has it too badly, but for those who have crippling insecurity, it can wreck marriages, careers and friendships. So if you are sitting there all grumped up because I said people can tell you are insecure, then you are the person that most needs to read this.  By the way. If you aren’t sure what I mean, here are 5 VERY obvious signs of insecurity. Constant fiddling with your clothing, or your hair or touching your face. Feeling the need to ensure everybody hears how qualified you are on a particular topic, or how experienced. Freaking out if somebody doesn’t text you back immediately Not applying for that next job Seeking reassurance about your value and being generally high maintenance. Recognize any of that? People notice that stuff you know. Women are so often insecure about our bodies, or our right to speak up, we wonder if it is our place to say something controversial. We are insecure about our roles if we are working, or staying at home, we even worry about how people judge our children. Men are insecure about their dicks and sometimes about being bald or short or whatever. They often seem to compensate it all away with the simple purchase of a big truck or a fast car. So there’s that. The worrying and negative inner dialogue that goes on in people’s brains is astounding. Can you imagine if we could hear people’s thoughts? No… let’s not. Nobody would have any friends. And the worst is that we think everybody else is so confident! Introverts grumble into their collars at the loud talking extroverts all the while wondering how they can own a room with such ease. The talkers wonder how the introverts keep such a cool groove all the time. None of us really knows what is going on but we often feel like we are somehow not part of it....
No more bad boyfriends – date bald guys in loud shirts

No more bad boyfriends – date bald guys in loud shirts

Dating Advice, on the internet. What a novel idea! Thank you for setting aside all your jaded presuppositions by clicking on this.  I hope you find some helpful bits if you are struggling on the dating scene. This post isn’t an answer to a reader question, but it should be. I have a friend who chooses bad boyfriends, and I really want her to write in and ask me what she should do. She won’t, so I am just going to pretend she did. Stick with me ok? The question for those who have serial relationships that all turn sour is this: Why do I keep choosing guys who are evil and emotionally unavailable blah blah blah? Bitch Slap for ya: It is because your worst inner self is fed by being treated badly. This is not a complex issue, In fact the psychology degree I got in this morning’s cereal box gave me all the smarts I needed to observe this phenomenon. I bet the last three articles you read before landing here probably told you the same thing. Oh, and if you carry on reading other sites to see if you can get a different answer:  for $20 I will email an answer you want to hear instead. Because it is possible you are an idiot and would send me money to hear that bad boys can be changed and remade into nice guys. Bitch Slap number 2: They can’t be changed. Oh, and as they age they get meaner, uglier, and there will still be women out there who want to touch their pee pee, so they will cheat on you. So what do you do? Clearly you still have what it takes to get a man, you just have the wrong juju out there and are pulling assholes out of the random dude lottery. How about trying something new? Seek out a funny guy. Somebody who maybe doesn’t excite you with his Harley but remembers how you take your coffee and makes you laugh? People who are funny – and I mean really entertaining, usually have a significant amount of life experience on which to draw for their humour. This makes them interesting. Try dating a few funny dudes. Maybe for extra fun, get one that is bald, and wears Hawaiian shirts. Those guys don’t give a shit and are awesome fun at parties. They don’t need to be cool, they just want to be happy. And they usually want you to be happy too. If you find a funny guy who is legitimately single, doesn’t live in his parents’ basement, and has workable chemistry with you, give him a whirl. If you have a nice...
You Might be Flaky if…..

You Might be Flaky if…..

If you are reading this hoping not to hear that other people think you are flaky, you probably already know the truth. You are flaky. If you are reading this because you are not at all flaky, and don’t understand your friend/lover/whoever, then I hope you can get some Zen about that person by gaining insight into their cornflake brains. Let me begin by saying that sometimes the best people are flaky. I have friends who are scattered, wonderful easy going and fun people. I hate making plans with them, but love them anyway. For flaksters, this piece isn’t about informing you that people don’t love you, it is a bit about how your flakiness impacts the people around you. Here are some of the top things flaky people do: They don’t like to lock down specific times and plans or make arrangements ahead of time. It seems like they are busy, but they aren’t really. They just like to keep their options open and simply prefer to make choices at the last-minute. Flakeland inhabitants also spend a lot of time on seemingly nothing. I think it has something to do with their creative drive or something… they seem very busy but any actual productivity is mostly in their own minds. These creative folks sometimes have trouble completing a project. They start stuff, and then start other stuff… then some more things, then circle back for a bit. If you happen to be waiting on one of the layers of their interests, well bully for you. This breed of folks sometimes has trouble making decisions. They put them off and sometimes or just avoid them. Push them a bit and the whole thing gets moved to the back of their mental bus. Their sense of time is different than their polar opposites (focused control freaks is who I mean). This becomes evident when it is time to confirm their attendance at a party. RSVP by a certain day might feel restrictive to their sense of independence. They will get back to you… sometimes even before the gathering starts. There is an up side to these scamps. They are usually pretty fun at parties when they are also extroverts. Their sense of spontaneity is a nice break from the drone of life. They don’t follow the same rules or allow themselves to be weighed down by the same sense of obligation that makes many of us lumber more slowly. They are often interested in new information and learning things. It makes them fun to talk to. When you have storage capacity for so many things in your head in small bits, then why not. Embrace it all and take in the variety of...
Zombies Walk Among Us

Zombies Walk Among Us

I love zombies on tv. They are rotting slow-moving wrecks that used to be human. Great entertainment for the small screen. When zombies lumber into the real world, that gets scary. I can hear you saying “But Magnolia, there are no zombies in the real world.” Yes there are my kittens, they are everywhere and move among the living all the time. The fact that they don’t have visible ooze or open rotting injuries doesn’t mean you can’t figure out who they are. These poor creatures plod along through their days without direction or plan. Life happens to them, and they have little influence in the script. Whatever messages installed by their family of origin guide their choices in everything from food, career, spirituality and even their travel habits. They don’t think to question any of it. The modern walking dead could look like anybody. They seem ok enough, and perhaps they are. Maybe not questioning their lot in life is the best way to get through. I suspect that lots of zombies don’t want to be. They feel a vestige of spirit in their belly that craves something else. I love stories of people who make mid-life shifts away from one path to pursue another. Now let me be clear about this part, I am not talking about admiring the guy who suddenly decides his wife got fat and he doesn’t feel like paying the power bills anymore and takes a flyer. I am talking about people who go to say, law school, get onto the grind and then get off. They wake up and realize their soul is being chipped away every day in little shards from the endless indignities. They walk away, and follow their heart. There is danger to stepping off. Don’t be a flake. Leaving a hard-earned life to be a spiritual leader  to a hippy commune of yoga enthusiasts is just flaky and stupid. Don’t do dumb shit. I am not going to write you a whole manual of helpful tips on how to live your true life, you can find that crap in every bookstore. I will tell you what to avoid. Don’t ask anybody to advise you who has an ulterior motive (religious advisers, your spouse, your best friend) all have agendas. They aren’t malignant (mostly) but they don’t have a clue without putting their own perspective into the answer. Don’t make fast decisions. Let ideas ruminate over time, write stuff down. Don’t abandon children to follow your dream if they are in the picture. You stop being the priority when you have them. Period. Don’t leave one path to do something stupid. Either contribute, earn, teach, learn or give. Just handing in your McDonald’s...