The 12 Weeks of Christmas for Underachievers

The 12 Weeks of Christmas for Underachievers

You read it right, there are actually 12 weeks of jingle, plinky, sparkly, ring-a-ding holidays. Don’t believe me? Okay, I get it, but we need to stop denying Christmas creep. It starts early in Fall and builds its nefarious and stealthy steam for 12 whole weeks. Week 1 through 3: Sneaks up on us every darned time. These start in October, when Christmas people are digging out strings of lights waiting for the Halloween people to be done with it. This is also the period when large retailers start the subterfuge of small sections of shimmery crap that harks of herald angels. They think they are being subtle. except Costco, they sold out of shiny balls in August. Weeks 4 through 6: While veterans are being remembered and the weather is starting to turn, Christmas creep is happening full on. The stores unapologetically roll out row after row of chocolates in shiny packages, fully decorated fake trees and spinning snowmen dancers on little wind up stands. Neighbors hang endless sparkling strings of those hideous icicle lights and compete to see who can have the most inflatable happy Santas on their front lawns. Weeks 7 and 8: Are deadly. You think you still have time, but you don’t. Every store is playing an endless loop of “Come All Ye Faithful” by Gloria Gaynor (I don’t care if she didn’t do that song, you get the point). Parking spots at the mall are getting scarce and nice little old ladies are clobbering each other over the last wonk-wheeled cart. All the chocolate you bought in week five for “presents” is gone, and now you have to shop for replacement gifts and new pants. Then weeks 9 and 10 come crashing in like a tsunami of underachiever eggnog. Friends have their trees up, and you can’t even find the damned wrapping paper. It doesn’t really matter, because you don’t have much to wrap anyway. Your shopping list is on scraps of paper mixed in with candy wrappers scattered around bins of holiday decorations still dusty from the attic. The bins are just sitting there… judging you. Christmas party invitations long ago accepted now require clothing that fits. Your choices are: go to the party looking like you crammed yourself into a sausage casing, or stay home swearing a blue streak while putting up your Christmas tree. Both options end in alcohol and bad food choices. In comes week 11 in a blur of grumpy store clerks, flyers in the mailbox insisting that the after Christmas deals will be AMAZING and trips to stores that have nothing. This is the week when you take the basic decorations out of those damned bins, and...
How Online Shopping Will Replace Husbands

How Online Shopping Will Replace Husbands

Like many women with husbands, I rely on mine to fetch and carry heavy things, repair stuff and to be generally useful. My job is to remember the names of the kids’ teachers and their special friends’ birthdays. It all balances out. Now that I am making the inevitable journey through menopause, I find myself having less and less patience to explain to him what we need from the store, or what brand of coffee we always drink, or even the fact that we are running out of toilet paper. Does he not notice? Every time I find myself making list of EXACTLY the same items (20 years of the same list) I find myself issuing a deep throated growl. You know the one, like a cat with it’s tail being held by a toddler. That growl. If this sounds like your life, I am about to give you a life hack solution that will make you joyously fling your list pad out the window. Did you know that in mere moments you can click to order coffee, toilet paper, socks, razors, dirty movies, or any other essentials with automatic monthly shipments. Is your mind blown? Mine was. I mean… it just shows up and I don’t even have to get out of my smelly nightgown to drive to the store for stuff I know we will need. Then I got to thinking. “What other conveniences might I enjoy with this newfound magic delivery service?” Might I someday be able to click and receive a weekly foot rub and pedicure from a handsome young man delivered by drone? Perhaps some garden help that shows up on the first Saturday of the month in a UPS box? As I think of new things to click for, I start to realize the possibilities are endless. Click to hang pictures, change the oil in my car, figure out what that noise under the porch is, or even click for spider removal. The mind boggles. Could I order a vacation companion who likes museums and doesn’t insist on beach and geriatric speedo holidays? My neighbor is also twigged to this idea. I notice she gets monthly deliveries of something struggling in an oversized burlap sack with a “handle with care” sticker on it. Man of the month service perhaps? It is not my place to judge. My husband wonders about the charges to our credit card that all seem to be from the same online mega store. He goes through each and every line and insists I am spending too much on fancy toilet paper, and foot rubs. And why did I need a large size muzzle, since we don’t actually have a...
What is With Tighty Whities?

What is With Tighty Whities?

Can somebody please enlighten me as to why white briefs exist at all? I mean, have the manufacturers never done laundry in their lives? When they are choosing fabrics for their boys’ and men’s underwear spring line, what goes on in their minds? “Oh, let’s buy white cotton to make ugly briefs that will become transparent in three washes! What could possibly go wrong?” White gonch is gross.  There, I said it. I will admit some bias as I am the laundry fairy at our house. I banned white underwear 20 years ago, and I am damned glad I did. If you don’t know why I am so voraciously opposed, then you have never done laundry with male undergarments in them. I will leave it at that. And have you ever noticed that when the movie and TV industry is filming low life redneck drunks, plotting serial killers or that guy that is about to get whacked while he is peeing, they are always wearing white briefs? There is a reason for that you know. If the character is bad, or is going to have something bad happen to him, he is in tighty whities. True story. I am still trying to unsee the sequence at the beginning of Breaking Bad when Walter White is running through the desert for miles in his white… cotton… briefs. They even bloody named him after his ginch. I can’t get the horror of it out of my mind… they just kept filming him from behind. I tried to look away from what I knew was going to be a major wardrobe malfunction where the camera would close in, and we would see the shadow of his ass crack.  I kept trying to watch the series by moving on to other episodes, hoping I wouldn’t ever have to see that again. And then they kept showing, flashbacks of the nasty man panties running. I never made it past episode five because of their poor costume selection. While we are talking about underwear choices, we should discuss the fact that briefs in any colour are not sexy. Dudes have so many choices and yet they go back to what Mama put them in when they were first potty trained. “Good boy sweetie, you poo-pooed in the potty, now you get to wear big boy underwear.” Blue Stanfields are ok for the newly undiapered, but not for a grown ass man who has any hope of seeing his underpants hanging from the chandelier. As I researched this piece, I diligently viewed literally hundreds of photos of men in underwear. (You know, to be accurate and all that.) What I found is that of all the...
Let’s Play a Game of “Would you Rather?”

Let’s Play a Game of “Would you Rather?”

The kids are all playing “Would You Rather”. If you haven’t heard what this game is about, maybe it is for the best. It is a fact that Tweens have always relished being cruel to their friends, and seemingly endless of ways come up with some pretty sick-ass games. Nowadays they are playing a new version of an old favourite. Do you remember “Truth or Dare” games behind the school bleachers? Memories of playing it still makes my blood run cold from all the viscous dares and gut wrenching truths. The new game is, in my view, is a bit gentler than its predecessor. Also it is somewhat less likely to end with your kid upside down in a trash can with a squealing rat trying to escape her tank top. So maybe that is something at least, but it can still be nasty. The “would you rather” game is about making impossible choices. My tween boy was playing it with his friends, and I made the colossal misjudgment of listening as I passed his room. The options these kids come up with are almost always gross, and by gross I mean the single most disgusting thing they can imagine. Which is, after all that is the point of the game. Gag worthy shit and who can win it with the worst imagery. In this particular round of the game, one buck toothed runty kid was asking the question. His options were: “Would you rather suck out the pus from your sister’s ass boil or rub hot peppers on your balls?” Um… seriously Marvin, this is what you think about? I didn’t stick around for the answer. I got to thinking about what I would come up with in a game of “Would you Rather” with my Mom Squad friends. First we would need to set the stage for our game by having a few glasses of liquid honesty, and then flip for who gets the first question. In my mind, the questions would go something like this: The first out of the gate would be the slightly frazzled mom with way too many children: “Would you rather just give him a blow job and sleep or listen to stories about his bad day at work?” Hmm. Good question Gwen. The next Mom has been thinking about it and shouts “OH OH, I have one!!. This girl is cute because she likes to hang out with her slightly cooler and more bad ass friends, but really, she is just the sweet dopey chick named Tippy that always shows up with baked goods. Every group has one, the Mascot Mom. Her question is: ” Would you rather use soy milk...
Explaining Ancient Expressions to Teens

Explaining Ancient Expressions to Teens

A little while ago, I wrote a piece about the meaning of modern teen-speak expressions like “on fleek” and “goals”. I might have crinkled my eyes a little at how ridiculous and nonsensical these expressions seemed to me. I may have to take the judgy crinkle face I made back now that I am thinking about some of the expressions we used back in the day. All I can say is that it is a bit of a lottery win that I can even come up with a list, because if you remember the 80’s – you didn’t have as much fun as I did. However, the point of this informative and somewhat frivolous piece is to help teens understand us geriatrics by teaching them the ways of their parents. Teens: here is a short guide to understanding what your parents mean when they say: Totally Tubular – this is what you said when something was great or interesting. It was not used to describe toilet paper rolls or sewage pipes. Gag me with a spoon – girls said this when they didn’t like something. It was most effective when accompanied by open mouth gum chewing and a tornado eye roll. The boys however tried to gag themselves with spoons just to see if they could. This activity spawned the expression Barf Me Out. Gnarly – boys used this term to describe everything from their sheared off skin from a bike accident to a perfectly executed wheelie on their banana bikes. Grody to the max – everybody under the age of 20 used this expression. It was used to describe something mildly gross or unpleasant with some additional emphasis. It really wasn’t to the max of anything, it was just fun to say. Let’s blow this Popsicle stand – when we were just to cool for one place, and we pretended we had somewhere cooler to be. We didn’t. Sometimes it failed and the person who said it walked out alone. Righteous – I can still picture Sean Penn saying this in a state of pot induced wonderment. If you don’t know who Sean Penn is, use the Google. Valley girls– This is more of a cultural phenomenon than an expression, and it is really hard to explain. The way Valley Girls spoke swept north america like a wave, with teen girls imitating it. The closest I can come to describing it is imagine if beach Barbie could speak, and then give her an attitude. Catch You On The Flip~side – The flip side refers to the B side of a record. For a modern explanation, picture saying goodbye to your friend and then flipping over your iphone. Now you are catching...