How Online Shopping Will Replace Husbands

How Online Shopping Will Replace Husbands

Like many women with husbands, I rely on mine to fetch and carry heavy things, repair stuff and to be generally useful. My job is to remember the names of the kids’ teachers and their special friends’ birthdays. It all balances out. Now that I am making the inevitable journey through menopause, I find myself having less and less patience to explain to him what we need from the store, or what brand of coffee we always drink, or even the fact that we are running out of toilet paper. Does he not notice? Every time I find myself making list of EXACTLY the same items (20 years of the same list) I find myself issuing a deep throated growl. You know the one, like a cat with it’s tail being held by a toddler. That growl. If this sounds like your life, I am about to give you a life hack solution that will make you joyously fling your list pad out the window. Did you know that in mere moments you can click to order coffee, toilet paper, socks, razors, dirty movies, or any other essentials with automatic monthly shipments. Is your mind blown? Mine was. I mean… it just shows up and I don’t even have to get out of my smelly nightgown to drive to the store for stuff I know we will need. Then I got to thinking. “What other conveniences might I enjoy with this newfound magic delivery service?” Might I someday be able to click and receive a weekly foot rub and pedicure from a handsome young man delivered by drone? Perhaps some garden help that shows up on the first Saturday of the month in a UPS box? As I think of new things to click for, I start to realize the possibilities are endless. Click to hang pictures, change the oil in my car, figure out what that noise under the porch is, or even click for spider removal. The mind boggles. Could I order a vacation companion who likes museums and doesn’t insist on beach and geriatric speedo holidays? My neighbor is also twigged to this idea. I notice she gets monthly deliveries of something struggling in an oversized burlap sack with a “handle with care” sticker on it. Man of the month service perhaps? It is not my place to judge. My husband wonders about the charges to our credit card that all seem to be from the same online mega store. He goes through each and every line and insists I am spending too much on fancy toilet paper, and foot rubs. And why did I need a large size muzzle, since we don’t actually have a...
What is With Tighty Whities?

What is With Tighty Whities?

Can somebody please enlighten me as to why white briefs exist at all? I mean, have the manufacturers never done laundry in their lives? When they are choosing fabrics for their boys’ and men’s underwear spring line, what goes on in their minds? “Oh, let’s buy white cotton to make ugly briefs that will become transparent in three washes! What could possibly go wrong?” White gonch is gross.  There, I said it. I will admit some bias as I am the laundry fairy at our house. I banned white underwear 20 years ago, and I am damned glad I did. If you don’t know why I am so voraciously opposed, then you have never done laundry with male undergarments in them. I will leave it at that. And have you ever noticed that when the movie and TV industry is filming low life redneck drunks, plotting serial killers or that guy that is about to get whacked while he is peeing, they are always wearing white briefs? There is a reason for that you know. If the character is bad, or is going to have something bad happen to him, he is in tighty whities. True story. I am still trying to unsee the sequence at the beginning of Breaking Bad when Walter White is running through the desert for miles in his white… cotton… briefs. They even bloody named him after his ginch. I can’t get the horror of it out of my mind… they just kept filming him from behind. I tried to look away from what I knew was going to be a major wardrobe malfunction where the camera would close in, and we would see the shadow of his ass crack.  I kept trying to watch the series by moving on to other episodes, hoping I wouldn’t ever have to see that again. And then they kept showing, flashbacks of the nasty man panties running. I never made it past episode five because of their poor costume selection. While we are talking about underwear choices, we should discuss the fact that briefs in any colour are not sexy. Dudes have so many choices and yet they go back to what Mama put them in when they were first potty trained. “Good boy sweetie, you poo-pooed in the potty, now you get to wear big boy underwear.” Blue Stanfields are ok for the newly undiapered, but not for a grown ass man who has any hope of seeing his underpants hanging from the chandelier. As I researched this piece, I diligently viewed literally hundreds of photos of men in underwear. (You know, to be accurate and all that.) What I found is that of all the...
Let’s Play a Game of “Would you Rather?”

Let’s Play a Game of “Would you Rather?”

The kids are all playing “Would You Rather”. If you haven’t heard what this game is about, maybe it is for the best. It is a fact that Tweens have always relished being cruel to their friends, and seemingly endless of ways come up with some pretty sick-ass games. Nowadays they are playing a new version of an old favourite. Do you remember “Truth or Dare” games behind the school bleachers? Memories of playing it still makes my blood run cold from all the viscous dares and gut wrenching truths. The new game is, in my view, is a bit gentler than its predecessor. Also it is somewhat less likely to end with your kid upside down in a trash can with a squealing rat trying to escape her tank top. So maybe that is something at least, but it can still be nasty. The “would you rather” game is about making impossible choices. My tween boy was playing it with his friends, and I made the colossal misjudgment of listening as I passed his room. The options these kids come up with are almost always gross, and by gross I mean the single most disgusting thing they can imagine. Which is, after all that is the point of the game. Gag worthy shit and who can win it with the worst imagery. In this particular round of the game, one buck toothed runty kid was asking the question. His options were: “Would you rather suck out the pus from your sister’s ass boil or rub hot peppers on your balls?” Um… seriously Marvin, this is what you think about? I didn’t stick around for the answer. I got to thinking about what I would come up with in a game of “Would you Rather” with my Mom Squad friends. First we would need to set the stage for our game by having a few glasses of liquid honesty, and then flip for who gets the first question. In my mind, the questions would go something like this: The first out of the gate would be the slightly frazzled mom with way too many children: “Would you rather just give him a blow job and sleep or listen to stories about his bad day at work?” Hmm. Good question Gwen. The next Mom has been thinking about it and shouts “OH OH, I have one!!. This girl is cute because she likes to hang out with her slightly cooler and more bad ass friends, but really, she is just the sweet dopey chick named Tippy that always shows up with baked goods. Every group has one, the Mascot Mom. Her question is: ” Would you rather use soy milk...