Everything My Kids Need to Know About Life They Can Learn From the Claw Machine at Denny’s

Everything My Kids Need to Know About Life They Can Learn From the Claw Machine at Denny’s

I don’t think we need all those self-congratulatory parenting books and earnest ninnies who say everybody should get a participation ribbon. Life doesn’t give a crap about your kid. Some day you will no longer wipe their backsides for them, so you will have to get them ready for the thunder. This life hack is such simple genius, I can already see you palming your sweaty forehead wondering why you didn’t think of it yourself. It is easy. Take the $147 you would have spent on parenting books to the bank and get it in rolls of quarters. Then drop your kid at the local Denny’s, the one with the claw machine full of toys in the lobby. Here is what your child will learn by spending $147 on a game that is loaded with toys and stuffed animals, or otherwise known as “claw crack” for kids. 1. Sometimes all you can do is look at things you desire through a glass wall. It is up to you to figure out how to accept that, or you can decide to take action to get the things you want. 2. When you try to get that lovely thing you want, think about it first. Plan and have a strategy or like that Bugs Bunny doll, success will elude you. 3. When you divert your attention and get distracted, some other kid will step ahead of you and take your stuff. Stay focused or learn karate. 4. When you think you have the precious in your grasp, it will almost inevitably crash down before your eyes, even if you worked like a trooper to obtain it. 5. When you have experienced failure, you must try again, even if the minion stuffy landed ass-side-up and mocks you and your sad claw. 6. When you have spent almost all your money for a losing proposition, either walk away or go all bad ass on it and fully commit your last five bucks. You have to be prepared for abject failure and be ok with that outcome, otherwise take what you have left of your money and dignity and live to fight another day. 7.  If you do get that premium teddy bear with your first pass of the claw, at least have the decency to acknowledge luck or privilege and don’t be an asshole about it. In fact if you are the lucky one with the bear, help the next kid to get one too. 8. If there is a chance that you will risk a great deal to get that special soft thing that makes you all squishy inside, choose carefully as it may take all you have and give you no reward....
Daddy Issues

Daddy Issues

Some of us marry our Fathers. We find that guy who makes us feel like our Dad did. This is where it gets complicated. If our Dad was warm, supportive, loving and steadfast, we get a good marriage because we seek that out. If Dearest Father was a hot mess of damage in our lives, we probably shouldn’t marry that kind of guy. Yet often we are drawn to that very same thing, or we spend a good deal of time test driving bad boyfriends. A lucky few become self aware enough to actively and deliberately partner with men who are good and solid regardless of lingering Daddy issues. Surely this is something women shouldn’t have to figure out the hard way though is it? Being a self aware female is a long road, and often doesn’t happen until we have made a series of blunders. Most of them aren’t life threatening, but sometimes they are. We have lots of young women looking for their Daddy, and find a pimp, or an abuser. What if there was a deep reaching and mandatory psychological assessment in the school system at age 13? What if the girls were able to get some supportive and professional guidance around their  instincts with regards to boys? What if we intervened right at that critical time to see if this girl had her head on straight or if she is dealing with some terrible crap from home? Probably a can of worms nobody wants to open, much less pay for, but what if we could help early? The time to deal with the issue of selecting partners is right before girls start to engage with boys, not when they are in a shelter at age 22 with toddlers and a broken nose. How do we teach girls and young women to live deliberately and consciously without being at the whim of old damage and skewed instincts? And what about the Dads? Daughters look to them for safety, protection, and above all, adoration. If we could ask of our men one thing, it should be this: your daughter should feel that she has you completely enamoured, and that in your eyes, she is perfection. She should know that you are helpless in the face of your love for her and treat her that way. A little Daddy spoiling helps her sort through the men who will come into her life. We could go on for many pages about preparing girls for life but we should also talk about raising our sons to be good men. How do you teach a young male the complexities of relationships when they spend so much time thinking with the secondary control unit that lives in their pants? How...