8 New Year’s Resolutions You Can Actually Keep

8 New Year’s Resolutions You Can Actually Keep

Every time we see the light from an incoming new year, all the lemmings scramble to plan their perky fresh start. Year after year we will join a gym, quit smoking, clean up our lives and finally deal with those nasty personal shortcomings. We tell ourselves: “this will be the year!” But we all know how this is going to play out don’t we? Great plans are made, but even with all the resolve and will power, it all slides off the rails by February. I am going to suggest that some of the reasons you can’t get the big things done is because of the clutter in your life. Maybe if you dealt with some of the detritus that has washed up on your beach it would clear the way for progress. Here are 8 things you might consider doing to free up your mojo for the new year: Go through your Facebook friends list and unfriend everybody who doesn’t make you happy. Be brave, just jettison the people who don’t add value to your life. Do it in real life too. People are telling you to diet and exercise. Have you done much of it in the last few years? Ya, didn’t think so. Instead, just do one thing you like when you feel like it. You won’t want to stick to stuff you hate, so just do something fun. Take the stairs, park far away from the store. Try that and save your gym money. You likely stumbled onto this post through Twitter, and not to be ungrateful for the link, but get off Twitter. It is mostly just noise and causes agitation. Do you need it? Take a look around – do you have piles of unread magazines, books you haven’t gotten to and projects you keep meaning to start? Clean that crap out… it just sits there judging you for not getting to it. When you get it out of your home, you can’t hear the disdain anymore. Try saying no to more stuff. It feels hard at first, but trust me, if you are over extending yourself all the time, saying NO feels fricken’ awesome.  And mean it when you say it. Say yes to stuff. Make yourself say yes to a person who wants to see you (unless they are an asshat, in which case say no). If they add value to your life, make you feel good, or are nice to you, make time for them, and mean that too. It wouldn’t be a New Year list if it didn’t include nutrition advice. Instead of paying some scammer diet company to feed you flax seeds and grass crammed into plastic caplets,...
Five Cautionary Tales From Holiday Cartoons

Five Cautionary Tales From Holiday Cartoons

Every year the holiday festive season comes crashing through the door and delivers a whole box of impossible expectations for the perfect Christmas. Rather than deal with it by actually getting the house clean and checking the decoration boxes for mouse poop, I hide on the sofa and watch old TV Christmas cartoons. Have you ever thought about what lessons these shows are teaching? They seem heartwarming, but they should really be classified as cautionary tales. Here is what I’ve learned from watching Christmas specials. The Grinch Who Stole Christmas Watching this classic taught me that there actually is a scary ugly dude who will break into your house and steal your stuff. It is also clear that the justice system in Whoville is broken because in response to a criminal act, they sing. So at our house we hide all the gifts and our youngest child on Christmas Eve, just in case. Frosty the Snowman When building a snowman you should refrain from taking mind altering substances. I think it makes it possible for a pile of snow to start talking, and dancing. When the buzz wears off your new friend melts into a puddle and dies. Bad buzz, so maybe “stick to egg nog at Christmas” is the message here. Charlie Brown Christmas This show taught me not to buy an ugly scraggly little tree. Your friends will laugh at you and then politely pretend you aren’t a little odd, but really they’re thinking you are. It also might be because you always wear the same shirt. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer Once again a seemingly innocent hero is actually an evil genius, and he has all the weird toys as his minions. I learned that when selecting playthings for purchase, make sure they aren’t creepy. Check the packaging to ensure they haven’t crawled into that plastic wrap all on their own. The may free themselves from your pretty sparkle wrapping at night and make like poltergeists in your house.  You will dream of the days when all you had to worry about is that Elf on The Shelf creep. Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town And finally, Santa himself. I tried to believe, I really did. I learned however that no matter what anybody tells you, a solid dose of skepticism is vital. It will keep you from becoming that fully grown adult sitting at the hearth on Christmas Eve in your footie pajamas gazing hopefully up the chimney waiting for the big red bum. Santa may streak across the night sky, but the laws of physics dictate that even if the big red suit is a compression garment, that old bugger isn’t going to fit...
Stop Exercising at Me

Stop Exercising at Me

I don’t know which is more irritating, the “jog on the spot at a red light” guy or the “travel with my yoga mat” chick. Both make me wish I had lasers so I could give them a stink eye they would never forget. Some of us hate exercising. There, I said it. I know… crazy talk. Apparently we should all be pining to get back to the gym, or crack off a quick ten mile jog. the way people talk (and post endless Facebook status updates) you would think that every moment they aren’t quoting inspirational  coffee mug sayings, they are running marathons. It seems that all the women in my life spend equal amounts of time kvetching about their asses and doing Zumba or something like it. They wax poetic about the amazing Zen of their yoga classes. Namaste bitches, your yoga interests me not. The crushing pressure on our children to specialize in some sport, often at the cost of their academics trickles upwards. Many of the Moms who drop of junior at swimming lessons hustle over to the elliptical machine to squeeze in a half hour trying to tone the ass they no longer recognize. I have news for you ladies, if you hit the drive through and shame eat some fries on the way home, your little workout was for naught. Science is working on ways to make us healthy and live longer. I am seriously hoping they figure out a way of doing it so I don’t have to take up jazzercise when I turn 60 just to keep my bones from crumbling. What they have figured out though is how much genetics play into it. Longevity, or a lack of it is the trump card in this game. You can change the years a little with the way you run your life, but if your entire family cacks at age 55, you might want to enjoy your days now, rather than training for a triathlon. Speaking of training. I know a few people who are in fully obligated family situations who take up some incredibly demanding “training schedule” for long distance running or something equally pointless. Here is a newsflash… that isn’t all about the sport, something is not right in the relationship. (oops just heard a collective intake of breath… bring on the indignant comments). If I see one more old fool suddenly taking up Tough Mudders and leaving their kids at home while they go play I am going to lose it. I don’t advocate a sedentary lifestyle, although I totally adore mine. I think that we should all move around a little – for enjoyment not for some horrible...