Explaining The USA to a Canadian

Explaining The USA to a Canadian

To everyone living outside of North America, Canada and the USA are more or less the same country. To an American and a Canadian, they couldn’t be more different. Recently, two of our authors got into a cross-border discussion and decided to explore some of the bigger topics from American and Canadian viewpoints. What follows is an interview with questions from Canadian Magnolia Ripkin and answers from American Sarah Gilbert. Canuck: Why is it that you Americans don’t seem to like your own President? We think Obama is awesome, and have often tried to trade our Prime Minister for him. Yank: We never like the person in charge. It doesn’t matter who it is, we just don’t like to be bossed around, because freedom. This is why we like Hollywood Stars. They don’t tell us what to do by making laws and implementing social programs. They just set good examples, such as walking on red carpets, partying in Las Vegas and flying around in jet boots in Ibiza. We would follow them anywhere. But as soon as they are elected to office, we punish them for not controlling the economy. Or we try to assassinate them. — Canuck: How are Honey Boo Boo and the Duggars a thing? Yank: Both of these shows, as you likely already know, are documentaries on The Learning Channel. I am a big proponent of education, especially free education, so I watch both of these shows regularly. People think Here Comes Honey Boo Boo is entertainment, but it’s really a hard lesson in learning a foreign language. 19 Kids and Counting is a great show to watch if you are interested in learning about health and safety. I recently enjoyed an episode that outlined some rules about dating: Do not so much as hold hands or kiss before you are married. This is a great way to avoid spreading diseases. If you have any other questions about sexuality, be sure to ask Mr. Duggar. He seems very comfortable with this topic. — Canuck: What the fuck is up with the Tea Party? Yank: Your guess is as good as mine. You are the tea experts. As far as I can tell, these people have never enjoyed a civilized cup of tea, and they probably couldn’t tell an English Breakfast from an Orange Pekoe. I hope they don’t try to figure this out themselves, because it would inevitably cause them to take sides and stage multiple protests on the Fox “News” channel. — Canuck: Why do you take our best hockey players? Yank: 1) The American dollar 2) McMansions 3) The internet 4) 24-hour everything 5) Sports channels 6) The extra color in our flag,...
The Mind of a Three Year Old

The Mind of a Three Year Old

The mind of a 3 year old child is like Mordor – one does not simply walk in and make him do anything. As a veteran mother, I often look back at younger Moms who have infants and toddlers and laugh so hard my saggy old boobs jiggle. I think it is so cute when little Caiden or Caylen or Raven or whatever their names are now starts to melt down. Mom gently and patiently pulls out the manual, gets down on one passive knee and starts to talk junior through it. The screaming carries on, and Mom’s carefully coiffed burb-mom hairdo starts to get frizzy. Her yoga pants start to creep down and reveal a regrettable tramp stamp and a practical thong, and yet she perseveres. Junior is now screaming at the decibel level of an 80’s hair band and Mom has gone through her entire repertoire of verbal warnings. The rest of us stand around and smirk. She is so cute with her happy universe where toddlers suddenly become reasonable. This isn’t going to be popular, but my kids are great polite reasonable humans who don’t mess with their mother so I get to talk. You should listen. Here are some facts for you lululemon mommy: Three year olds are savages with slowly developing little emotional regulation systems. The only thing they react to is hunger, tiredness or frustration. None of those things can be handled on the spot. Yes, everybody is judging you if you let your child cry and ignore them or try to deal with them quietly. Children will test you constantly to see when you draw the line. Public meltdowns need to be that line. Kid starts to get crabby? Do they need a nutritious snack? Then feed them, it might work. If it is an issue of tired or frustrated, you have no hope. Pick up the child, and I mean pick up. Take their ground out from under them. It is a little bit jarring and can sometimes can reset the path they are on. Don’t hurt them but tell them you have had enough, and remove them physically. Once outside or in a new setting, put them down and ask them if they are done. If not, it is time for a nap. Then deliver. It is a dog eat dog thing to get through toddlerhood. They will still love you if you don’t put up with it, they will. By the time age five rolls around they will start to be more responsive to calm coaching… in the meantime a consistent march out of the store every single time works like a charm. If I see you do it...