I don’t understand these things

I don’t understand these things

I know. Different strokes for different folks and all that. Normally, I try to approach people’s choices with the spirit of open curiosity and acceptance. (I said try ok?) But there are some things that just make no sense. Can somebody tell me why some folks make these choices? Putting fluorescent tube lighting in a livingroom. What are you doing in there… brain surgery? Getting a small dog that terror quakes all the time. That is not a dog, that is a neurotic relative that you deliberately decided to house and feed… and they pee on your floor. Socks and sandals are never ok, and yes people are laughing at you. Waiting to get the total in the grocery check out aisle before reaching for your wallet. Is it a surprise that you need to pay once the food has been rung through? Karaoke. That is all. No wait… Karaoke or air guitar dancing, there is no way to make either of these things cool.  That huge gap between shirt and pants that displays either a “big hairy dude” level butt crack. Or for the ladies – a poorly done and fading floral tattoo. Do you not notice the draft? Smokers who throw cigarettes out of car windows. Why is that ok? Your Mom would have something to say if she saw you do that. Next time you do it… picture your mother giving you the stink eye. and the one that we can all agree is universally a questionable decision: getting a picture of a penis tattooed on your face. You think I am making this up? I am not. Saw one, on a guy, in real life.  Upon further investigation, I found that the internet produces reams of photos of such mugs. It is a thing apparently. I have one question for those guys: How is that working out for you dude? I have views on other stuff, like knock-off products, large gold chains and Hummers, but the list would get too long. I am interested in rounding out this post with some items from readers. What makes you shake your head? Also find me on Blunt Moms and Huffington Post...
College Boys: No house MILF for you

College Boys: No house MILF for you

Apparently when little boys move away from home they still want to have a mom. Except now they want to be able to hump her in the kitchen while she makes them meatloaf. You think I made this up? No. I can’t imagine what Freud would have to say about this news story out of Vermont: UVM Students Seek House MILF. I can kind of picture how this came about. The lads were sitting around having the first ever beer they didn’t have to steal from Dad’s fridge bemoaning the fact that they are ten weenies living with no bun. How sad really… it must be terrible having to fend for yourself. So the boys decide they want a lady (over 25—but not too far over, I imagine) to cook for them. In payment for her work in the kitchen,  they would be sexually available to her. Wow… what a great deal! They must have had to go through a bazillion resumes. The sad truth is it’s very unlikely they would get a whole lot of interest from women in their target demographic. As a public service to the boys, I’m going to explain why. Boys, here is why you won’t get a house MILF: 1. If a woman wants ten guys in a weekend, she doesn’t usually need to cook for them. In fact, she can have dinner bought for her and none of you have enough money for such gestures. 2. Although you may admire your own incredible youth and virility, those of us who know better, will usually aim a little higher. At your age, you don’t actually have that much going on of interest. Maybe try not speaking. That would be sexy, baby. 3. Many of the ladies who have the luxury of shopping around for a boink don’t want to do it in your nasty college dorm room—the domain of the young and unhygienic. Ladies of substance prefer hotels and cabanas on the beach. Maybe if you serve us a drink in your thong? That might be OK. 4. Cooking for a bunch of unappreciative young people is likely the last thing a woman wants to do. Maybe that’s the scenario she just left. Just a thought for you, Spanky. 5. And the final reason you’re unlikely get a MILF is this:  a man of experience is more sexy. The number one downside named by cougars who shop in your age group is that you aren’t grateful enough. If you are under 23 and lucky enough to have a cougar catch your scent and call you lunch, be enthusiastic. I think posting the ad for your dream lady is pretty funny. Aren’t you cute? Enjoy your college...
Get a handle on email overload

Get a handle on email overload

Business runs on communication… the more you know, and the more you respond the better you communicate. The more you respond the more efficient you are right? We have to start looking at what we are actually doing when we work, and how we go about it. How do we deliver the best quality product during our working hours? It used to be measured purely by business productivity. Remember when the productivity gurus were saying “only touch a piece of paper once”? Now that many office jobs have no paper, how do you apply that same idea to your digital work? I could write a whole book filled with little tips and tricks for work load management, but there are lots of people smarter than me who will sell you books and seminars. I am just going to make one radical crazy suggestion. But first, let me ask you this. If you took a Summer holiday, how much time did you spend on backlogged emails when you logged back in that first Monday morning? How much duplication of work did you endure just trying to figure out if something had been dealt with by somebody else? Maybe when the sender got your “out of office” they went and got help from somebody else. Who knows? Then, you spend another chunk of time sifting through the endless threads of back and forth. People love clicking “Reply All” don’t they? We call them the “reply to all” bandit. Kill that person by the way – there is no other cure for them. Here is what I did when I left for my last vacation. I had our tech people shut my email down. You heard me… off… box closed… nobody home. Senders got an email back saying “Her majesty is on vacation returning on such and such a date. Her email is closed for deliveries and yours has not been delivered. If your issue is urgent, please send it to the appropriate person as follows…etc. If you wish to resend your inquiry after XX date, please feel free to do so”. Not exactly that…but you get the idea. Seriously I did that. Closed the email box for the duration. I mean when did it become normal for it all just to pile up and wait for the return of the office worker anyway? If you aren’t there to answer your phone, then maybe your email inbox should have a busy signal as well. I get it, not everybody has email intense jobs and not everybody can make the choice to shut it all down. I guess what I am saying is that it was such a radical departure but it worked. What is...
You Might be Flaky if…..

You Might be Flaky if…..

If you are reading this hoping not to hear that other people think you are flaky, you probably already know the truth. You are flaky. If you are reading this because you are not at all flaky, and don’t understand your friend/lover/whoever, then I hope you can get some Zen about that person by gaining insight into their cornflake brains. Let me begin by saying that sometimes the best people are flaky. I have friends who are scattered, wonderful easy going and fun people. I hate making plans with them, but love them anyway. For flaksters, this piece isn’t about informing you that people don’t love you, it is a bit about how your flakiness impacts the people around you. Here are some of the top things flaky people do: They don’t like to lock down specific times and plans or make arrangements ahead of time. It seems like they are busy, but they aren’t really. They just like to keep their options open and simply prefer to make choices at the last-minute. Flakeland inhabitants also spend a lot of time on seemingly nothing. I think it has something to do with their creative drive or something… they seem very busy but any actual productivity is mostly in their own minds. These creative folks sometimes have trouble completing a project. They start stuff, and then start other stuff… then some more things, then circle back for a bit. If you happen to be waiting on one of the layers of their interests, well bully for you. This breed of folks sometimes has trouble making decisions. They put them off and sometimes or just avoid them. Push them a bit and the whole thing gets moved to the back of their mental bus. Their sense of time is different than their polar opposites (focused control freaks is who I mean). This becomes evident when it is time to confirm their attendance at a party. RSVP by a certain day might feel restrictive to their sense of independence. They will get back to you… sometimes even before the gathering starts. There is an up side to these scamps. They are usually pretty fun at parties when they are also extroverts. Their sense of spontaneity is a nice break from the drone of life. They don’t follow the same rules or allow themselves to be weighed down by the same sense of obligation that makes many of us lumber more slowly. They are often interested in new information and learning things. It makes them fun to talk to. When you have storage capacity for so many things in your head in small bits, then why not. Embrace it all and take in the variety of...