Zombies Walk Among Us

Zombies Walk Among Us

I love zombies on tv. They are rotting slow-moving wrecks that used to be human. Great entertainment for the small screen. When zombies lumber into the real world, that gets scary. I can hear you saying “But Magnolia, there are no zombies in the real world.” Yes there are my kittens, they are everywhere and move among the living all the time. The fact that they don’t have visible ooze or open rotting injuries doesn’t mean you can’t figure out who they are. These poor creatures plod along through their days without direction or plan. Life happens to them, and they have little influence in the script. Whatever messages installed by their family of origin guide their choices in everything from food, career, spirituality and even their travel habits. They don’t think to question any of it. The modern walking dead could look like anybody. They seem ok enough, and perhaps they are. Maybe not questioning their lot in life is the best way to get through. I suspect that lots of zombies don’t want to be. They feel a vestige of spirit in their belly that craves something else. I love stories of people who make mid-life shifts away from one path to pursue another. Now let me be clear about this part, I am not talking about admiring the guy who suddenly decides his wife got fat and he doesn’t feel like paying the power bills anymore and takes a flyer. I am talking about people who go to say, law school, get onto the grind and then get off. They wake up and realize their soul is being chipped away every day in little shards from the endless indignities. They walk away, and follow their heart. There is danger to stepping off. Don’t be a flake. Leaving a hard-earned life to be a spiritual leader  to a hippy commune of yoga enthusiasts is just flaky and stupid. Don’t do dumb shit. I am not going to write you a whole manual of helpful tips on how to live your true life, you can find that crap in every bookstore. I will tell you what to avoid. Don’t ask anybody to advise you who has an ulterior motive (religious advisers, your spouse, your best friend) all have agendas. They aren’t malignant (mostly) but they don’t have a clue without putting their own perspective into the answer. Don’t make fast decisions. Let ideas ruminate over time, write stuff down. Don’t abandon children to follow your dream if they are in the picture. You stop being the priority when you have them. Period. Don’t leave one path to do something stupid. Either contribute, earn, teach, learn or give. Just handing in your McDonald’s...
Dumb Driving Habits That Will Get You Sticker

Dumb Driving Habits That Will Get You Sticker

If you are reading this you are likely frustrated with the same drivers I am. We are both kind of hoping that “those people” read this. But they won’t because they don’t actually know frequently they piss off other drivers. And when I say “piss off” I mean cause full on apoplectic rage aneurysms. Many jurisdictions give new drivers stickers for their cars to indicate their status as a nervous newbie. Let us leave those folks alone, they are in their formative driving years and should be cut some slack. Besides they are a hazard, steer clear of the big “L” for learner stickers my darlings. This idea I have is not for new drivers. I am proposing a legislative change that would see any driver assigned other kinds of stickers as they progress through their driving years. You could get a sticker randomly at any point in your lifetime. You would have to display it on your car at all times so that people would know exactly what kind of a dork you are behind the wheel. Here are some stickers that I would want to personally hand out: The Big “O” sticker stands for “Chronically Oblivious“. These folks are unaware of anybody around them. They drive without turning their heads, and assume that once their signal is engaged they can simply move over in sharp jerky motions to change lanes. They stop way behind other cars at lights leaving a massive 9 car lengths of space. This ensures people behind them won’t make the light. Stands for “Left Lane Bandito“. This class of entitled drivers sits in the left lane of a highway. They go the speed limit, and feel that this is plenty fast enough. The concept that the left lane is for passing was a page in the manual they missed. Then when the rest of us do a high speed fly by on the right, they get that stink eye face and shake their heads. Message to the banditos: If I had laser blasters you would be nanoparticles in the stratosphere dickwad. used for dawdlers. The gas pedal is on the right hand side. Place your foot on it and go. Keep up with traffic. You might be one of these folks if you are convinced everybody else on the road is crazy and you get honked at regularly. When I give you your sticker I will also give you a list of back roads to which you will be relegated. You are in the way, and nobody likes you. Not even the nice school bus driver likes you… nobody. Wimpy driver indicator. This is a category that is particularly hard to deal with. These drivers are convinced that the road...
My teen has his hands on his gear all the time! What do we do?

My teen has his hands on his gear all the time! What do we do?

Magnolia, my preteen has his hands down his pants all the time. I can ignore it or talk to him about it in a healthy way, but my husband makes a bigger deal out of it. What do we do? Ah. Don’t you miss the days where the grossest thing he did was pick his nose? The single most fascinating thing to a male of his age is his own junk. As a parent, you have read all the books, you knew that was the deal right? However, none of those nicely worded advice tomes really prepare us for the “yuck” that is this wanker fascination do they? It is cute when they find it in their diaper, not so much now. The fact that you are mulling over a way to talk to him about it tells me you are likely a gentle soul who considers parenting choices carefully. I have a bit of news for you. In this particular arena, he just needs to hear it straight up. Really straight up. It’s a simple message to the boy. It is gross to touch your bits when other people are around. He needs to learn that. Simply ignoring it means that when he is momentarily distracted in a public setting, he will be so used to just touching it whenever the urge takes him, and will be nailed by somebody…maybe even a mean girl. Think of the therapy bills to undo that little bit of inter gender trauma. His Dad has likely told him that fapping is ok, which is about the only thing you can tell him. I mean really, how successful has the “you’ll go blind” message been anyway? You as Mom should point out the social niceties of at least pretending he isn’t always thinking about touching it. If you guys don’t deal with it, somebody else will and maybe not so nicely. Also, this is the time of life where he should start doing his own laundry. Just because it is normal and healthy and all that crap, he should learn about natural consequences of being… um… messy. (Hey… did this post make you think? Share your thoughts by leaving a comment) Also find me on Blunt Moms and Huffington...